she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
