I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
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He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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