Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
