i just wanna soil my oats bro
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
