a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
