I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
