so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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