Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
