I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
