Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
