I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
