My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
