If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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