god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
it was like eating out sand paper
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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