Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
