Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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