I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
