How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
