Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
