did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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