She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
4 words: hood of his car
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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