its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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