Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
