My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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