i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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