hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
