Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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