masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
