My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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