Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
