If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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