We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
