She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
