i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
