So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
