remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
