so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
