It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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