the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
