Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
