i think i have two assholes
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
