I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
