true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He felt like a one man threesome
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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