Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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