just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
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