I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
