I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
