why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
