I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
