Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize