his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
