Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
