No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
