shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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