u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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