Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
