Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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