Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
