He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
