if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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